Spiders are fucking stupid.

This is not a subject that will ever be broached again because it makes me itchy just thinking about it, but I feel like I made some personal progress as a human being today and I want to share.

So I’m sitting in the bathroom scooping cat litter because Phantom has a functioning digestive system that I am now solely responsible for when I notice a spider crawling across the floor in front of me. It’s an ugly thing, exactly the kind they choose for horror movies to creep across the windowpane during a suspenseful shot, and its making its way for the water heater closet. Spiders move surprisingly fast, you always expect them to creep but I don’t think I’ve seen a spider actually creep in my whole life. They skitter, very quickly, and ulllllgh, is it gross.

So anyway, he’s moving towards the closet and instead of screaming like I usually do I freeze and just watch him and I guess at this point he notices me and he stops and freezes. Not out of fear though. He freezes and watches me, waiting for me to stop looking at him. I’m pretty sure from this encounter that the spider community thinks that humans are like t-rexes and our vision is based on movement. After a certain point I announce out loud, “I can see you, you know.”

He sticks to his plan, and remains as motionless as he can. Maybe he thinks I’ll mistake him for a tiny statue of a spider, that I keep those sorts of things around my house? So I speak again.

“I saw you the whole time, you idiot.”

Now, spiders don’t understand English, and I don’t understand spider. This is a bridge of communication that will never be built. But while looking at this little idiot and his absolute dedication to his tactic I felt an immense amount of pity. So much so that I rolled my eyes, skirted around him out of the room, and went to go get my new in-house pest control. 85% of the reason to own a cat is so they’ll eat the animals you don’t like in your house. As I was leaving the bathroom I saw the spider start moving again as soon as I had left his field of vision, cocky and self assured that his genius had saved him once again. I got the cat, dropped him in the bathroom by the spider, and let nature take its course.

I’ve never much been swayed by that “they’re as afraid of you as you are of them” crap, but it is incredibly reassuring to know that spiders are not on this earth because of their cunning. I’m really quite amazed they’ve survived this long.

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