I didn’t wake up today feeling very bad. I got up, made eggs and sausage, kissed David goodbye, watched Dr. Phil. I was completely fine. And then, wandering through my bedroom, I saw Samson’s memory box and decided to look through it.
There’s a hat and cloth diaper in there that are just his size, and a card with his measurements. I don’t think I’ve ever shared those so here they are. He was six inches long from his head to his butt. He was eleven ounces. His little handprints are about the size of a quarter each, and his feet are about the same. Those are in there too, inkstamp prints they took for us in the operating room while I was under anesthesia still. There are hospital bracelets for me, David, and Samson, although they aren’t the ones we wore. Decorative ones, with Samson’s birthday on all of them. There’s a shell and rosary in a bag from the chaplain. She said she would use the shell for Samson’s baptism but I’m pretty sure she didn’t. There is also a small metal bridge that David made while we were in the hospital. He brought it to kill time and to keep his mind occupied so he wouldn’t break down. It was his last few weeks of school and he had to complete his finals on top of everything. There used to be a blanket in there which the hospital gave us, but we gave that to the funeral home and had them wrap him up in it to take with him when he went. I knew he was already in heaven, but it wasn’t a logical thing. I still wanted to do something for him and keep him warm.
So now I’m crying and I think I needed to cry. It feels good to cry for him, like he deserves to be cried over. And he does, he’s one of the best things that ever happened to me, even if I can’t have him now. And I gave up on anything productive happening for a while and sat down at the computer, turned on the couple of songs that remind me of him, and started searching for miscarriage on Pinterest and crying. 1 in 4 women has a miscarriage, infant loss, or stillborn, and I wanted to be with those women. And after a while of crying and sad songs and sad quotes and tiny footprints, I came across this picture from a woman who had struggled with infertility.
And I remembered the positive test with Samson. And I started laughing because I remember that joy and that complete denial and the surreal haze I lived in for a few days after I got a positive. I laughed and then sobbed and then laughed again, and I still can’t totally look at that picture without getting started again because it’s just…yeah. Emotions.
Laughsobbing. I highly recommend it. You will feel like a crazy person but frankly I think I am a crazy person now, and you know, whatever. Be a crazy person. It’s a lot less stressful than trying to hang on to sanity.