My follow-up appointment is tomorrow…

And I am freaking out.

For those not totally up to date with the conditions present in my first pregnancy, it fell into two camps. What was wrong with me and what was wrong with the baby. I had placental previa, which is when the placenta blocks the exit and prevents labor from happening. The baby had a chromosonal issue we can’t identify which resulted in some brain abnormalities, although he was otherwise healthy.

Now, neither of these conditions is hereditary or lifestyle based. They were flukes, completely unrelated to one another or me, and I was just lucky enough to pull both short straws at once. But emotions don’t have to make sense (and in my experience they rarely do) and I’m petrified of it happening again. Previa results when the egg implants too low, and my animal brain is telling me (screaming, actually) that the surgery I went through malformed my uterus and that it’s now the perfect magical shape to result in previa every single time.

I want to go to the doctor tomorrow and have her tell me everything is fine. I’m terrified to go tomorrow and have her tell me that I’m ruined forever and that my animal brain was right. I’m also terrified to go and find out that I’m still too anemic/deficient/weak and will have to be under close watch for even longer.

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