Something I really haven’t talked about yet is one of the things bothering me the most.
When I was younger (my incredibly patient mother can attest) I was very outspoken and stubborn and, quite frankly, pretty angry. At that time I was of the opinion that pregnancy was parasitic, that children ruined lives, that marriage was weak, and a whole lot of others things I’d rather not repeat. And I could choose to write that off as teenage angst, but that was only four years ago for me, and it has been a very dramatic change getting from where I was to where I am.
Over the course of the pregnancy David and I talked about what our life was going to look like with children in it, what we were going to do and how we were going to raise them. We talked about the idea of me staying home to raise them, we talked about how many we ultimately wanted, we talked about what this meant in relation to our faith. And I remember standing in church at four months, my heart swelling, and remembering a quote I had seen online.
I felt that God was calling me to motherhood, that this is what I was supposed to devote my time and energy into. And that was huge because I’ve never been the type of person who had big aspirations. I didn’t want to be a CEO or ballerina or astronaut, I didn’t feel like my life and how I lived it was very important. And all of a sudden I had this North Star, this guiding purpose. And it was exactly what I had railed against only four years before.
It’s hard for me to adequately express how much of a struggle it’s been reconciling this to myself. It was a paradigm shift, everything that I thought was true about myself has been turned on its head. It took a lot of work and self doubt and long midnight talks with my husband to come to a place where I could say I had changed.
And then we went for our ultrasound. And then we got the news. And within the month I had been rushed to the hospital and our baby had passed away. And afterwards I was plunked back into my old life, back to work, back to the old routine, like nothing had ever happened. My calling to motherhood felt like snow that had melted away.
I was standing at work yesterday, and my head wouldn’t quiet down. It felt wrong being there, it felt wrong to go about my tasks like I was still just a carefree 20-something girl. I had worked so hard to prepare myself for this next stage of life, I knew I couldn’t go back to how things had been. I wasn’t Cyra anymore, I was Samson’s mother.
When I lost Samson I didn’t just lose my son, I lost my sense of self and my sense of purpose. And I don’t know how to get those back.